An Expulsive Power of a New Affection

I am struck by the words expulsive, impulsive, compulsive and propulsive. All have to do with a driving force.

I have impulsive and compulsive habits. Some of these habits are related to food.

The love of God can both expel the love of the world from me and impel me to move toward His love. He can compel me to seek Him. His power can propel me to holiness.

In me are many driving forces in me to do actions: to satisfy my desires, to covet things of the world, to want to change, to seek God. What is driving me? Is my driving force God's love or the love of the world and it's pleasures?

I'm reading the sermon by Thomas Chalmers, "The Expulsive Power of a New Affection." It is new words for a truth I know, but have not applied recently. It is not enough to get my bad eating habits out of me. (And I can't even do this by reason or personal strength.) I need an expulsive power from outside of me to force those food affections out of me AND to impel me to move to God so that He can compel me to seek Him. I need to be propelled forward to new habits and behaviors that are God-pleasing.

I know these things. But I don't KNOW them. I need that expulsive power of a new affection to both remove the affections I have for food AND to supplant these desires with new ones: specifically, a greater love of God. He needs to mean more to me than worldly desires.

All these words come from the Latin, pellere, which means drive. I need to understand what drives me, motivates me, compels me to action. And I need to give these drives to God and ask Him to supplant them with the drives that will cause me to seek Him, to love Him, and to desire Him, above all else.

So Yahweh, this is what I ask for a Christmas present. That You would expel the affections I have for food and the world by planting in me a greater affection for You. That You would impel me to seek You. That You would give me compulsions that are God-ly. That You would drive me, propel me, to Your heart.

I give You my bad habits, my compulsions for food, my impulsive behaviors. I ask that You give me a new affection: a passion for You.

Amen and Amen!

A New Christmas Sweater

When you make the decision to have Bariatric surgery, you don't realize all the implications. I knew I'd have to deal with not having candy in my stocking. I knew I wouldn't be able to pig out on food while watching Christmas movies or eat a whole large popcorn at the theater. I didn't know I'd have to deal with dressing up for the holidays. Sigh!

There's something special about decorating yourself for the holidays. Whether its the lapel pin or a fleece jacket with snowmen, it's just fun to wear special clothes. I have some if these clothes, but all of them are 2-3 sizes too big. Should I wear them one last time and look a bit baggy, not wear any special clothes this year, or buy a new Christmas sweater?

I fully recognize that this is a want and not a need. The practical side of me knows that anything I would buy this year should be too big next year. Isn't that a waste?

Yet when I was Christmas shopping yesterday, I found myself looking for a sweater I liked (I didn't find one.) and it caused me to ponder these unexpected consequences of the decision to have Bariatric surgery. Like Sunday, I was at church and knelt during worship at one point. And I had no knee pain! I just had thought I was getting old and hadn't realized it was all that weight loaded on my knees causing the pain.

I read a Christmas devotion today that connected God's command to decorate the tabernacle with the decorations we put up for Christmas. Aren't I a temple of God? OK, I'm not using that as an argument to spend money. I'm just pointing out that decorating ourselves with jewelry, pins and clothing that is special may have other meanings.

So, should I buy a new sweater? Maybe go to a used clothing store to see if there's a gently used one for sale? Wear the items in
my closet one more time?

Decisions. Decisions!

Two Months Banded

I just had my second fill, and a bit of chastisement as well. Seems I've been creeping up on my food portions and pushing the boundaries. I lost another 5 pounds in the last 5 weeks which is OK but on the slow side of weight loss.

So, a big reminder to eat smaller portions, eat slow, chew well, and don't go for the 'can't eat another bite' feeling.

I realized this weekend that I feel better. I think the post-surgery healing is complete.

What I need most to do is exercise!

Don't get me wrong- I've been watching what I eat and measuring and eating slowly. But I could eat slower. And just because veggies are good, don't eat more than my portion. and don't feel I have to have a starch at every meal.

I did have a weeks vacation, a week end in the city and Thanksgiving to mess things up. And coming soonis Christmas and New Years.

I want to do this well and I want to succeed! Lord, help me. I cannot do this on my own!

Week 7 Banded

I lost another 3 pounds between my fill and my primary doctor's visit last week. Yeah!
I did buy a few clothes (on sale) so that I don't look like I'm wearing bags.
I'm feeling much better, trying new foods, having more energy than in the past few weeks.
I've tried regular pork chops, quinoa, salad, peppers raw and cooked, little village tacos, and this morning- melon. That is not settling so well though. Either I ate too much or melon isn't good for me right now.
I feel like I'm moving better. I realized I haven't had any arthritis pain in my hip for a while now. I'm still a but confused on how much weight I've lost- where do I start? I'm tempted to go back to Feb. when I decided I needed to deal with my weight. Many start with the Pre-surgical diet. Maybe I need two numbers?

So: 40 pounds lost since Feb.
20 pounds lost since I prepared for surgery. 14 pounds lost since surgery.
60 pounds left to go. Whew! Round numbers are best.

People are starting to notice. I haven't been this small for 25 years!

I've eaten out. Mostly positive. Understanding restaurants are appreciated! I tried the 'give me the doggy bag now' request. Nope. They wanted to package leftovers after. I'll need to be more assertive.

Mostly I feel this is doable. Sometimes I look at what is left to lose, but mostly I look at what I've lost. I feel like I'm still on a honeymoon, coasting on the effects if surgery. But I'll enjoy this time!

Surprising Behavior

I just realized that in the past week, since my fill, I have reached for that afternoon snack or night time snack, only to pause and think, but I'm not hungry. And I don't have the snack! Three meals a day with no snacks and only liquids in between seemed so undoable a few months ago. But here I am.

So I was very pleasantly surprised when I saw this new behavior. I am "full" between meals!

New Foods

Today I had romaine lettuce leaves as a wrap for turkey with alfalfa sprouts. I had polenta for dinner. Yesterday I had blackberries. Add to that the fresh apple, oatmeal and sweet potato on Friday.

I ate out Saturday and had rotisserie chicken. Today I had oatmeal at Starbucks.

Week 5 - Banded

Well, this week is almost over and I forgot to get the blog updated.  It has been a busy week!

I got my first fill!  Another 2cc into the band, causing a bit more restriction.  A day of liquids, a day of pureed, and now I'm on a "normal" diet.  Normal in that the food doesn't have to be pureed.  Normal in that I see items on my small plate that look like I used to eat, but in smaller portions.  Normal in that I don't have to get the food processor out!  Yeah!

Friday was my first "normal" diet day - and I had an apple!  I can't tell you how good it tasted.  I had oatmeal.  I had a sweet potato for dinner.  It had been a while for any of those items.

I have to eat slow, chew well, cut into small pieces, and wait between bites, feeling for any sensations that would say "I'm full" or "this is not feeling great" or "something is stuck" or "I need the bathroom fast" -- but none of these has happened for me [yet].

I'm adding in fruits, fresh veggies and starches very slowly.  Bread, rice, beef and asparagus will wait for several weeks before I try them.  I hope to try broccoli, beans, blackberries, this week.  I'm hoping the oatmeal or whole grain cereal will take care of the constipation problem.  Fiber is needed right now, I believe.

Thing is, I start with my protein, then the veggie, and then if there is room, the starch.  The food gets cold by the time I get to it.  Snacks are to be avoided, so the thought of a snack bar or apple snack in the afternoon is not supposed to be on my diet.

I'm losing weight.  Four more pounds since I saw the surgeon three weeks ago.  And I have a new scale which seems to be more accurate than the one I replaced.  By its record, I have lost another 4+ pounds.  I see my primary doctor this week for a follow up and a check on A1C and different vitamin levels.  I like reducing my meds!  It my best measure that I have improved my health.

Of course, knowing I can wear clothing in a smaller size helps, too!  I wore a sweatshirt that I haven't worn for over 15 years and it felt good.  I needed to dress up a bit for a Photo Exhibit, and found an outfit I had forgotten [because I couldn't wear it anymore] and it was a bit big on me.  I am shrinking!

I am recovered enough that I need to begin a better exercise program.  The water aerobics is my first choice - I do more when the weight is off my joints.  Today, I walked over 4 miles in Chicago - without pain, without fatigue - and I like it!

I went to a retreat at church last weekend.  Wow!  God's love was poured out on us.  The worship was so precious.  The teaching seemed to be what I needed to hear.  Great fellowship, encouragement and support from my Christian sisters!  And I resisted all the goodies they brought to munch on.  It helps to know that I could hurt myself or end up in the ER if I ate them, but I really didn't dwell on the treats.  It is like a grace to be not driven by food obsessions!

Now I have to learn to eat within the diet plan, exercise self-control until the band is fully functioning, enjoy a slimmer, healthier life and get more active!  [Note:  it may take several visits, once each month, to have adjustments before the optimum restriction is reached.  Too much, too fast and I can't eat at all.  Too little, too slowly and I don't loose weight.  the band is a tool, but it has to be adjusted to reach its full use.]

I made it through the 4-6 weeks of pureed foods.  THAT is an accomplishment!  I made it through the recovery from surgery.  I've lost weight and continue to do so.  I'd say I'm on my way to a size 12!

Week 4 - Post Surgery

I saw my family doctor this week- he's happy with my progress. He cut my blood pressure med in half! Yes! This is the main reason for getting the surgery- health. I'm still loosing weight and eating about 700 calories a day and not hungry. I feel as if the obsession with food is on hold- I don't think about it very much and this pureed diet forces food to be "functional" and nutritional.

I went for prayer Sunday- for the pain and to draw closer to God. When I went fir a walk later that day, there was no pain at the port incision for the first time! I spent time resting with God Sunday in His 'arms of love.' It was a precious time.

Today I fell asleep after breakfast for two hours! I must have been tired I guess.

Tomorrow I'm having a manicure and pedicure- just to pamper myself.

Week 3 - Post Surgery

I'm starting to feel more "normal" - the allergic reaction is gone; there are no more symptoms of UTI; the pain is much less at the incisions; I'm walking 30 minutes without a problem; and I slept last night!  Hooray!

I'm also not hungry, nor do I think of food all the time.  I don't expect this to last - that is what Lap-Band adjustments are for.  But right now, it is a good place to be.  I'm also not so naive to think all my problems and issues are "gone" - just hidden for a bit while my body heals.

I'm up to 3 oz. of protein [last night poached salmon - yum!] and 1/2 cup of veggies.  I have 1/2 cup of fruit once or twice a day.  Yesterday I had about 750 calories of food.  That doesn't seem a lot to my mind and experience, but was very satisfying for me yesterday.

Today my job is to find one piece of paper from 2010 that the IRS needs.  Now that is a challenge!  My filing is WAY behind and what should be an easy task is made hard by my procrastination.  No, I do not like filing.  I sort and box and hope I don't have to hunt for that one piece of paper, but it has come down to the necessity.

It's actually hard for me to think about my relationship to food right now.  There are so many foods that I just can't have right now, physically, while I heal.  Fortunately, they don't even seem appetizing.  Others who had surgery around the same time as me tell a different story.  So why is it different for me?  I have no idea.  It may be that the allergic reaction and infection have delayed the issue for me and I am "behind" on recovery.  In the mean time, I will enjoy this reprieve from my food issues and go one day by day, eating what is nutritionally required and not obsessing over what I cannot have.

Sigh.  A good place to be.  It has to be the Lord - I can't see any other solution!

More Week 2 after surgery

I'm still on Benedryl for the allergic reaction, so no driving yet. But I am going to church today! Yeah!

I went back to my records to get a grip on weight loss. In February, I began a Wellness class and that's where I'm starting from. I lost 25 pounds in the next seven months. On the Pre-op diet I lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks. Since surgery, I've lost 10 pounds. Whew! That's 42 pounds this year. Yeah!

I can tell it in my clothes. Right now I'm enjoying the loose, baggy clothes as I recover from surgery. I'm reluctant to spend money on new clothes, but as I heal I know I will not like overly loose clothes so I'll probably be getting some "transition" clothes.

Grace, patience and endurance is what I need as I learn to make the band work. Only by the grace of God!

Week 2 - Banded

Well, so much for all the positive thoughts on Monday when I last posted! I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotic and am now on Benedryl 24/7 for the rash.  That means no driving yet. My poor Mini Sylvie must be lonely in the garage by herself. ;-)

The main area that is still red and itchy is the incisions.  So, I still take the meds and stay at home.  I find sitting at the computer feels OK until I get up - this chair must not be the best position for me yet.

I saw my surgeon for the first week check-up.  He is pleased with how I'm doing.  I've lost 17 pounds since the pre-op diet, with 6 of those being since surgery.  He took off the steri-strips and it is possible that my skin was reacting to them as well.  Oh well, if I scar I just won't wear a bikini to the beach - oh wait, I wouldn't wear a bikini to the beach anyway!

I moved to a pureed diet today, relying on the protein shakes only if I can't get the protein in thru my meals.  I've been eating about 500-600 calories a day - but the nutritionist at the Bariatric Center said that is usual as my body heals.  Once the swelling goes down, I'll be able to eat a bit more volume than I am now.  So I'm trying different veggies to puree, having canned fruit pureed, lots of water/fluids, and of course protein in the form of pureed chicken, pork tenderloin, scrambled eggs and tonight - tilapia!

I'm a little anxious to get some of the items on my "to do" list done - but without driving and not being able to sit for long periods on the computer - well, things will just have to wait I guess.

I am in a photography class this fall - Portraits, but since I am repeating it, it is not critical to get back to class immediately, but I want to.  I have to wait and see how the rash is tomorrow - if I have to take more Benedryl, then I can't drive to class and will stay at home.  If the weather was a bit nicer, I would go outside and walk.  Maybe tomorrow?

You never know when you have surgery what "complications" will arise.  Plans just have to wait until all is well.

Meanwhile, God speaks and helps and encourages.  His healing is what I need - not just for my body, but my mind and heart when it comes to food.  I told myself that I could do the 4-6 weeks of limited diet after surgery, but was worried about the next two years and whether I would be able to use the Lap-Band as a tool to loose this weight.  He assures me that He will be with me on this journey and He will be my strength and help.  AMEN!

Day 6 Post-Op

Monday morning and rain, but I am feeling so much better! The UTI is under control and my intestines have calmed down. The pain is much less as well.
Yesterday, I did more of a pureed diet: scrambled eggs and pears for lunch, pork tenderloin and carrots for dinner. I felt full all day, but had very bad heartburn at night. Today I'll stay on liquids and see if that helps.
I went down and up the stairs before my hubbie left for work. A bit of effort to come up but very doable, so I hope to do some photo editing today. That will be good for my mental health!
I must have been out of it last week as I didn't record my appt with the surgeon on Wed. Oh well, that's what the phone is for.
I didn't make it to church which was disappointing. Getting ready in the morning takes so much time, plus I can't yet wear my bra because of the lovely red rash I have, and my intestines were still a bit iffy. To bad church isn't today or tomorrow as I could handle it now.
I'm hoping to find a break in the rain for a walk. It really does help and I'm tired of the house right now. Not driving yet, so I'm limited to my neighborhood I guess.
I've been avoiding the scale. I had gained weight while in the hospital, which I assume is gas and fluids. But even on about 500 calories a day, weight is not falling off. I know it is really way to early to see results, as my activity level is very low. I'm not hungry. I like the protein shakes. I add in jello, broth and my chocolate banana tofu pudding for variety and overall, find myself thinking if food very little, which surprises me.
Patience is what I need right now, as well as not over-planning my how-tos on life with a band- it is just too early to say how it will effect me.
I am eager to jump back into activities and life- but don't yet have the energy to do so, which is probably for the best. My health cannot be strained right now- I have to heal!

Day 4 Post-Op

Stiff and sore! The real reason they tell you to get up and walk is so you don't freeze up. I woke up stiff and got out of bed with a headache and nausea. Slept a bit in the chair but feel about the same. Yesterday wasn't too bad and I definitely sleep better at home, but I'm ready for the healing to begin!

Everyone tells me I have courage. Hmmm. I don't feel particularly courageous. Yes, I'm making changes in my life. Yes, I'm dealing with bad habits and turning things around. I'm giving myself a tool that can help me with a healthier life. Courage? Not sure that's the right word.

The surgery was on schedule Monday morning. I slept thru most if the day. I knew I was staying one night. I didn't sleep well in the hospital- alarms kept going off.

Tuesday morning I was tired, sore and needing breathing treatments. I had nothing by mouth all of Monday and Tuesday morning, so I was thankful for that first sip if water. Tea, broth and jello rounded out my gourmet diet that day. Late afternoon it was clear that it was my call on staying another night. My doctor cleared me for pureed foods! I ordered three one ounce servings. I got down about one half ounce and felt full. Thirty minutes later when I could have water I realized the band worked! I felt full on less food! Yes!

I did get in several walks yesterday and went to the support group. Nice start to my new life and journey to axsize 12!

Day 12-Pre-Op Diet & Surgery Countdown: 2 Days

I have only two days to go on the Pre-op diet. Whew! Sounds very doable. Endurance is a funny word. Do I have endurance? It turns out it depends on where I'm at on the journey I guess. So I would say I have slightly inconsistent endurance, which is an oxymoron!

Yesterday, my daughter came to spend a few hours to just "hang out.". We got glasses adjusted, did a little shopping and stopped for coffee (rooibus tea for me.). It lifted my spirits and chased the doldrums away.

Thursday and Friday were hard. Today and tomorrow are doable. But I have stayed on the 1,000 calorie a day diet.

Prayer, worship, family and friends: what has gotten me through recent days and certainly going into the future.

Size 12 here I come!

Anger and Frustration

It seems to be a difficult day so far. Day 10 of the Pre-Op diet. Last night I was grumpy and tired with a headache. I wanted to eat as if eating would take care of those problems. I did not give in to temptation. Then I went to bed cold. I woke up very early, cold. Turns out the temp dipped low last night and we were still set to A/C. This morning I've been groggy and cold. And now I feel deep in me a smoldering anger or frustration. I'm just not sure why!

I wonder if a low calorie, high protein diet effects my post-menopausal ability to warm my body? Maybe I'm just cold. And without caffeine. Maybe this is about caffeine withdrawal?

I think a bit of it is impatience. Will Monday and surgery and an end to this Pre-Op diet never come?

I guess there is more stress in me right now than I realized!

Venting helped. A little.

What did David do when he was frustrated with Saul? He vented to Gid. Then he listened. Then he worshipped the Most High. I will do as David did. Off to listen and worship now.

Day 9 - Pre-Op Diet

I got my PB2 today.  Adding it to my protein shake makes a nice peanut butter/chocolate flavor.  Cause I'm getting bored of just plain chocolate and vanilla.  At GNC, they suggested adding cinnamon.  Now that also makes a nice change to the flavor!

It is a quiet day.  I think I'll take a walk.  I have a bit of shopping to do later today and a therapy session on my relationship to food.  It's complicated, that's what I'm finding out.  It does no good to get a band and then still struggle with the same old food issues that have caused me to become obese.

Sometimes it seems like too much.  This is lot of weight to loose.  I've tried it before.  What makes me think it will be different this time?

A friend gave me this Bible verse: "For whatever was thus written in former days was written for our instruction, that by [our steadfast and patient] endurance and the encouragement [drawn] from the Scriptures we might hold fast to and cherish hope." Romans 15:4 AMP

I need endurance and hope.  Both have to come from God.  That is my prayer for today, that the God-who-loves-me, Yahweh, will give me endurance for the race and hope for the finish!

Day 8- Pre-Op Diet

I got my pre-op testing done yesterday, which delayed my protein drink. My mid-afternoon snack was not the most satisfying. My choice: to eat more or not. I waited 15 minutes and then chose baby carrots and hummus, a 50 calorie add-on that did satisfy. Then I misread the carb/serving size and ended up with extra calories for dinner. I came in about 200 calories too high for the day. I think, all in all, I made good choices in dealing with this: carrots and hummus- good choice. And then I didn't beat myself up about the misread for dinner. Yeah for me!
Today I need to focus on feelings and eating: why do I eat mindlessly at times, what emotions trigger over eating, and what would Jesus give me to heal and change my eating issues. My relationship to food is complicated. It has developed for 60 years and for the majority of the time, resulted in weight gain.
Prayer, counseling and ministry are what I need today as well as meditating on what I've discovered so far.
This is my hard day, schedule-wise. I either have to eat dinner early or very late. I'm going to try an early dinner, saving a snack for after my meeting. I'm also off caffeine starting today. Should be a glorious day!

Day 6 of Pre-Op Diet

Day 3: I saw my surgeon. If the skin cyst gets infected, surgery would be postponed. I am taking my antibiotics without fail! Pre-surgical testing is Monday morning. If anything is out if line that would also delay things. I did get all my questions answered. I've stayed on the diet and I am ready for the change to come.

Day 4: Friday was class and I thought I'd planned well. Plans seem destined for complications. I ended up with really low blood sugar and I was a bit grumpy. Probably my worse day physically so far on the diet.

Day 5: Saturday was just busy. Definitely experienced the future of living with someone who doesn't have food restrictions! It was much better to wait until afternoon to run errands.

I went to a special prayer service. Praying for others is such a blessing. Lyrics of a song struck me- "Your faithfulness is my reward" and I thought about how many times I've used food as a reward. Even last week, I bribed myself with a manicure/pedicure thinking I was being good about food, but in fact I still have my priorities mixed up.

Day 6: Sunday I went to church. What a blessing to worship and leave all the baggage of life, all the eating concerns and surgery issues behind. I got the chewable meds I needed and got more spices, especially cinnamon. I found that if I add cinnamon to both the chocolate and vanilla protein shakes it's pretty great tasting!

So I'm relaxing tonight. My 300 calorie dinner was delicious: lemon-lime pangasius fish, and from Trader Joe's a rice medley and fire roasted vegetables. Quite full and satisfied!

Test

Does this new app work?

Day 2 of Pre-Op Diet

Yesterday was eventful - in some ways good and in some ways not so good.  I did manage to stay on the diet but between 4-5pm and 9-10pm I was hungry and it took all that was in me to stay away from eating. 

I saw my doctor for my pre-op "health and physical dictation" that the hospital requires.  The good news: I am stopping the metformin now!  I think I measure success for weight loss by how many pills I can reduce or eliminate once my weight loss takes away symptoms.  On the other hand, I was diagnosed with a sinus infection and a skin cyst, so I am now on anti-biotics.  The sinus headache got to me in the evening and I didn't get anything done, including this blog entry.

I went and got a few things I needed for the pre-op and post-op diet.  It's a shame I couldn't get everything at one store!

In the afternoon, it was the hour-long phone interview with a nurse from the hospital to determine which pre-op tests I need.  It is better than having to go in for an appointment.

I had a therapy session in the afternoon to discuss my relationship with food.  What good is the lap-band if I continue to turn to food when my emotions are rocky?  That got me thinking - when I'm upset or stressed, I eat "mindlessly" and when I feel my life is out of control, I eat, well, out of control.  This has to stop!

I had planned a "reward" for myself if I stayed on the pre-op diet for a week: a manicure and for two weeks: a pedicure.  Then I found out I can't have polish on my nails for surgery.  The issue is - why do I think I HAVE to reward myself for doing what is right and good for me?

I good night's sleep and Tylenol for the headache - that was what I needed!

Day 1 of Pre-Op Diet

Today the journey starts.  I really began earlier this year when my doctor suggested I look into Lap-Band surgery for weight loss.  It took several months of prayer, investigation, questioning and tests to make the decision.  Then came the wait for the insurance company to approve.  The approval came on Saturday.  My penciled in date of September 19 is now the surgery date.  I still have work to do before then.
Tomorrow I see my doctor for a "health and physical" for the hospital.  I see the surgeon on Thursday for a pre-surgery visit.  That is where I get to ask all my remaining question, which are mostly logistics.  For two weeks, starting today, I am on a 1,000-calorie a day diet of two protein shakes, two small snacks and one small dinner a day.  Tonight will be the first test of my night eating bad habits.
I delayed the first shake today until after 9am, hoping to push out the eating times a bit.  I did have one cup of caffeine tea with raw sugar.  In the next few days, I will have to eliminate that and start a no-caffeine lifestyle.
All of this represents CHANGE! But then, I've lived with "mindless eating" for many years.  Better health and well-being says this needs to change.  I want to be more active, travel, hike in hard to reach places and enjoy life more fully.  For this, I need to loose weight.  I've tried to loose weight and been marginally successful for a time - but the weight keeps coming back on faster than I can re-motivate myself to loose again.  I'm hoping the Lap-Band will be the tool that keeps the weight off.
So this blog is my diary of sorts, of my life as a "banded" person - a term I've read on several lapband support websites. [More on that to come.]  So pray for me as I start this journey.  The Lord has given me peace about this new tool.  He will be my strength in the days to come.